Size 10 by teatime

I don't know if any of you ever watch little Britain. But there is the woman in the bank who coughs and says "Computer says no"

I had a similar experience today. I took in my passport application to the post office for check and send. The woman behind the counter went through it. It was already computer generated by the passport office coz I had lost my other one. So all I had to do was to get a counter signatory (which I did) to prove I was who I said I was.

She took the form, looked at the pictures, turned the page and gasped. No really she did.

What? I asked. For a minute I thought there was something in my handwriting that had given away the fact that I once left a pooh Dawg had done in the long grass coz it was too sloppy to pick up and no one was about.

But no, it was worse, MUCH worse than that. You signed this form in blue ink she said. "OK?" I said. Well, she puffed herself up to her full height 3ft 3ins and nearly fell off her stool with her own importance. It HAS to be in black ink, it's a legal document you know.

I sighed. Hubby looked annoyed, so I kicked him. Well he might have made it worse by grabbing her by her acrylic cardigan and dragging her over the counter, and really I couldn't risk it.

She adopted that smug look usually worm by security personnel and traffic wardens. You'll have to fill in a new form and get it signed again she said, with as I said, smugness and relish.

I smiled (through gritted teeth) and took the new form. I brought it home phoned my signatory. Sure he said, no problem bring it around.

So we did. He filled in all the bits again and signed it and we took it back.

We saw another woman this time. She checked it. Once again gasped!! I kicked Hubby on the other leg to restrain him. What now? I said.

Well, she said twirling her moustache. Your signatory didn't put your name in. And it has to done by HIM. Not anyone else. This is a legal document you know. Sigh.

Back to my dear long suffering friend, who to give him his due, laughed and offered to come to the post office and help Hubbs duff up both of the "jobs worth" people.

So all in all it took me 2.5 hours out of my day because of the wrong coloured ink and a missing box that could have really been filled in by anyone (if it wasn't a legal document of course)

Will I be sad to leave England? Yes in some ways but I won't miss all the bullsh*t and red tape I can tell ya............................

I'm having a drink now. I think I deserve one.

Aren't People Lovely?

Hubs and I are still selling off all our belongings. Well we can't take them with? So. We have stuff listed on anything that is free. Last night we were down to our last £3 which was a bit scary. BUT. Last night my ex brother in law and his lovely wife called around unexpectedly and bought our patio furniture. So pleased it is going to them. They will so enjoy it and they give amazing parties in the summer.

Then a guy drove one hundred and fifty miles to buy a table saw off Hubs. It was the fourth one he had seen and loved it!! It is in great condition and he was so pleased with it.

Then another couple drove through a freezing night for 25 miles because they needed a couch. Theirs is dead. They have had a "heavy" friend sleeping on it and it is wrecked. So with 4 children a wife that is a paramedic and a hubby that works all the hours gods sends, they needed a comfy place to sit. I threw in the "throws" and the cushions too. I am just SO pleased that my stuff is going to people who need it. And I KNOW, I need the money too. But I just want to imagine people getting pleasure out of my stuff.

It makes me happy?

Well? Tomorrow we have to explain to the car loan people that they need my car back coz I can't pay for it. We also need to explain to our mortgage company that no matter how many threatening voice mails they leave, that we don't have the money. So there?

They can take us to court, but we still don't have the money. We have offered to knit it but I am not that good at knitting. So there?

But you need to pay this NOW? But we don't have the money? BUT we need it by Saturday? But we don't have the money?

How many times can this conversation go around before it gets way too boring. NOBODY can magic money from thin air? I wish!! But it is what it is and they either have to suck it up or chuck us out on the street.

Which might take a couple of months, and we will be gone by then. Thank Goodness.

I have given up worrying or waking in the early hours with my heart pounding. It is what it is. And we are very lucky to have options. Some folks don't. I wish I could take em all with me.

My inlaws lived through the revolution in Hungary and survived. My parents lived through the second world war. This is just a bit of a recession, and really? what is money? just numbers on a sheet. it means nothing............................

Eight years ago, almost to the day. Hubby left his life in Canada to share it with mine.

We had no money then and didn't know what the future would hold?

But, we have had sometimes a great life and sometimes we have struggled. BUT through all the trials we have loved each other and laughed at the hard times.

Life is kind of hard now. NO money, and no work, but you know what? we can still get by. And I am so looking forward to my new adventure.

I want to experience what it is like to live in the Frozen North.

Dawg is coming with, and I think that NO.1 Son will follow. He is so keen to know what life is like there.

We might be on this stupid little planet through loads of life times.

BUT you know what? This time. I have been loved. By Hubby, Son and Dawg and that is enough for me.

They care about me and that is all a person can ask for?

And I am prepared to take the jump. Hubs and I were walking Dawg this evening and he said "So? You're really cool to go?"

I said. You know what? Yeah. England is well overcrowded. I WILL outlive you and end up either in a hospital suffering from MRSA or a nursing home where they'll hit me cause they don't understand my sense of humour.

PS. In Canada they won't get it either, they will just wipe my chin and think I'm crazy...........................

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Pee yourself and everyone around you will say Euuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

Well, it was No.1 Sons 22nd birthday today. I know, I know. I berated my ex mother in law for having a baby that close to Christmas. My ex's birthday is 20th December and I went one better. Uh. Ok? But common sex is sex and if you have a couple of glasses of wine and you're married. Well Hey? you get a baby at Christmas time.

Enough already. So. We are skint and I told him that he would only get a card, a hug and a big dinner. That kid is so cool and he said.. OK Mom, so what? I don't need things. Bless..................

This morning, I wasn't at my best. I was listing all our stuff to sell in the local newspaper and suddenly thought!! OOOOOOOOOOOOh The Birthday card. So I found it and signed it. Sadly I signed it with my Christian Name and Hubbys. Then though oh F*ck. I couldn't cross it out coz that would have messed it up.

So I wrote underneath. Mum, I meant Mum!! Son opened it, hugged me and laughed his ass off. As he said. Oh Mum, that IS so you, and that card is such a keeper.

Got to love that kid.............................

Mmmm. Well? As many of you know. Hubs and I are in dire straits. We have the wolves at the door demanding money, they want to repossess the house, the car, and anything else that isn't nailed down. But you know what? Today is Christmas day and we just chilled.

We took dawg for a very long walk he chased squirrels and magpies and pigeons, and didn't catch any of em. I said to him well that's life that is. Get over it.

We couldn't afford gifts apart from a bit of chocolate and shower gel for NO.1 son and girlfriend. But we had a lovely day.

We ate a huge chicken dinner and played games and laughed, and when I had a few too many ciders, I cried, coz I maybe won't see son for a few years (moving to Canada) me, not son.

But you know, that is what it is all about. It's not about the huge pile of cr*p under the tree. It's about who you love.

And if you are with someone you love tonight then you are very lucky and you should cherish the moment.

OK. So I am officially p*ssed and should be in bed.

Merry Christmas

And good night.....................................

Ok, well it's not really. But a few years ago I rewrote the words from the song "She" made famous by the film Notting Hill and sung originally by Charles Aznavor and later by Elvis Costello.

The only connection with Christmas is you'll probably find yourself at a Karaoke and need a good song to sing. You can take these lyrics with you with my blessing and have a good un.

Alternative Lyrics To ‘She’

He may be the face you can’t forget
The one you dated for a bet
May be a treasure, should be buried anyway
He may be the headache morning brings
Who stayed all night and never rings
Who never washed his under-things
You never liked him anyway

He may do the things you like the least
He’ll fart in bed, the dirty beast
Hung like a hamster and he smells just like one too
He may be the one you hate to kiss
You can’t describe the sex as bliss
He still can’t find your clitoris
He’s not for you

He who always looked so stupid in a crowd
Who jokes could be embarrassing and loud
You couldn’t fancy him, god knows you tried
When he takes his trousers off you want to laugh
Who left you always longing for a bath
Who you would leave if you just had some pride

He may be the reason that you drink
That one that took you to the brink
The one you wish would move a thousand miles from here
He may be the thing you mostly fear
The one who gave you Gonorrhoea
The Doctor said it just might clear
The reason for your strife is HE……

Well so they say! There is an advert on TV at the moment, on almost every commercial break and it is for Roosters Roast Potatoes. The tag line is "They do more". What do they mean they do more? I asked Hubbs. No idea hon he replied, do you wanna buy some? I am the advert queen, if they assure me that this is something ground breaking then I believe them. Despite many previous disappointments.

So we've bought some. They are sitting on the counter as we speak, and we will SEE if they do more.

I've left em a list. I expect, the washing, the ironing and the housework completed by the time we get up tomorrow morning. Mmmmmmmmm. We shall see. Are they the answer to my prayer, or as Hubby believes, Just small potatoes..................................

Hubby and I don't have alot of cash to splash this Christmas. So we haven't bought any gifts, apart from a few bits for No. 1 Son and girlfriend and I do mean BITS. Anyhoo, it has been such a relief not to have to fight our way through the crowds. We passed by our local town centre at about 9.30 this morning and the queues for the carparks were horrendous.

We just looked at each other and breathed a big sigh of relief. Carried on the the big park and took dawg for a lovely romp. We met other dog people and Dawg had a lovely time sniffing and romping with like minded four legged friends.

Then we went to our "small supermarket" which was surprisingly quiet for the time of year and bought stuff for lunch and dinner and then we came home and just shut the door and we have watched movies pretty continually since about 1pm this afternoon.

Lazy or what. But it has been lovely and restful and we have watched stuff that made us laugh out loud.

We are going to have some lovely dinner and then I will take Dawg for his usual evening constitutional, and that's our Saturday. Not exciting but lovely non the less. Hope you all had a good day too!

Firstly let me apologize. I've put ME on the Avatar. One of my friends, think it was happy was cross with me for having a cartoon fat bird on there so I changed it.

But really, this wasn't the point of the blog at all. Hubby and I have been selling sh*t on ebay. Well not exactly sh*t, more like "stuff" really.

Tonight we had two people collect a guitar and a digital piano. The guy who bought the guitar (and he got a deal) was so happy that his son would get this great gift for Christmas and we threw loads of stuff in with it. It made me smile inside to see his happiness and so what? if we didn't get the price we really wanted. It's just "stuff" right?

The guy who bought the piano was Eastern European. His wife and he moved to the UK from Slovakia and she wanted to teach English Lit. She couldn't get a job so got a job on Japenese Airlines ( I bet she is beautiful)

Anyhoo, she had to leave her piano back home in Slovakia and she misses it so much. So this lovely guy has bought his wife a digital piano for christmas. He drove 150 miles tonight to collect it so he could hide it before she got home tomorrow. Bless!!! And he paid cash and was worried that we might think that cash wasn't good enough? Hello?

Another result. I am so pleased that our "stuff" is going to people who will really appreciate it. It will make them so happy and I would love to be a fly on the wall when the Slovakian guy gives his lovely wife the piano as a Christmas gift.

We also got a result. We bidded on a flight box for the Roddy dog, and we won it for £63 RRP £165, Yes, we have to drive an hour and a half to collect it, but it means that we can get the pooch used to it before we go. So that brings my blood pressure down a tick or two too.

See there are STILL lovely people in the world who care for each other and it gives me a warm feeling. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

What on earth do they have in common you ask yourself.

Well I'll tell ya.

When it is good, it is very very good, and when it is bad it is horrid.

I remember a couple of years ago there was an advert on the telly for I think it was Capital One credit cards.

They had wolves circling around a house and the tag line was "who are you with?"

Well folks. Nowadays it won't matter a jot who you are with, because if you are like me (and millions of others) the wolves are all there howling outside the door. I wouldn't mind but it tends to upset Dawg.

Here us my dilemma. Hubby's work has dried up, so no income. I have been made redundant. Once again no income. We can get around £47 a week benefit, but what's the point? We have the phone ringing off the hook demanding money (shall we knit it then?) and threatening and in some cases, they have dates, to take us to court.

So? We have no money. If they take us to court then we STILL have no money, but they will charge us even more money in court charges.

They want my car back (so have it, I can't afford to pay for it) but if they take it then my options for finding work are limited.

They want to repossess our house. OK then? Do that too, but then we have nowhere to live? Apart from in a bed and breakfast but then we can't take Dawg.

I know, I know. Me and millions of others. Do you know what. We are tempted to do what my Mum used to call a "moonlight flit". Bugger off with no forwarding address and stay below the radar.

When you have nothing you get nothing and there is no way out. But guess what? This isn't the girl who would ever throw a rope over a beam. Over money? Ah give me a break.

Yes I'm stressed, I don't sleep, I have no appetite but the good news is that I have a fabulous figure. NO weight gain for me then.

Sorry for the rant guys. But I have had it up to ere and ere and ear! So what are my options. You tell me. A "friend" of mind who is, by the way a grown up. Tells me that I caused all my problems by not being forward thinking. Ok, I probably did.

But the ride was probably worth the fall, and tomorrow is another day.
Fortunes can change in the drop of a hat. Hope mine (and yours) does too...........................................

Noooooooooo not that sort of bug bleuggggggggggh. The EBAY bug.. Oh dear.

Because we are moving and can't take much with us (apart from a change of skivvies and the dog) I have got into ebay. At present I have 4 items selling on there.

I didn't realise quite how exiting the whole thing is. I started with just one item. It got a bid. Mmmm I thought? What else can I put on there. On went item No.2. That got a bid. This morning I woke up and looked at the bedroom TV (which we never watch by the way). A couple of clicks it was listed. Then Hubby remembered something he could list.

Now we are in a bit of a frenzy, frantically looking around the rooms and weighing up whether we can make a buck or two on Ebay. I even sent Hubby into the loft. There's nothing up there, I just wanted some peace and quiet really.

Hubby is frightened to get off the couch in case I sell it from under his ass!

He needn't worry. I shall be listing that in the "under £200" section of the local newspaper. Nothing shall survive. I am selling the lot. It's fun, it's entertaining and you get money at the end. How good is that???

Problem is that I can't leave it alone. I am checking my Ebay every five minutes and whenever there is a new bid I nearly fall off my chair with excitement.

It can't be good for me can it? Yes it CAN? It's great, I'm hooked. Must go and see what else I can flog. If it isn't nailed down then it's in the auction.......................... LOVE IT!!!!

Oh dear. Well in the spirit of getting ready to get the hell out of this gaff. Hubby and I have the house on the market. Tick no.1 off the list then. No. 2. STILL can't find my passport, so report it stolen. New paperwork comes today, fill in the lost report, and pop it in the post. Tick no. 2 off the list. Find somewhere the live temporarily in the great white north, good, that's a tick for no. 3.. NOW what? Oh dear. What about all this cr*p we have accamalated while living here then. Ooh, well at least 2 musical instruments can go on ebay. And then it happened. I listed them, and I can't leave it alone. I am on the damn thing every ten minutes checking whose watching it and checking who has bid on it. It's a compulsion. Worse than the blog (no it can't be!) BUT it is. Then if that wasn't bad enough, I am now looking around and seeing what else I can list.

I can picture the scene. Taxi waiting to take us the the airport while I cling to the door frame and beg to have the computer plugged in so I can see who will buy the dust bunnies that were left under the sofa. I need some help. Or you need to bid. The choice is yours..........

Yey! I am so pleased at the amount of people who rose to Kev's challenge to wear a hat and put their real face on the blog. It is so refreshing and nice to see everyone.

Some of you look Soooooooooooooo stylish too. I DID want to wear something stylish.

But apart from the one in the picture, and the collander (didn't flatter) and the unfortunate experience when trying on the saucepan............... Oh I know. Still the Doctor in A & E gave me a sticker and certificate for being the oldest (sober) person to ever have had a copper bottomed milk pan stuck to me bonce. So that's another thing to stick on me CV.

Hubby has a very nice black suede cowboy hat somewhere. "where's your cowboy hat" I asked him. He took his head out of the tumble dryer for a moment. No he wasn't doing laundry he was just cold. "Mmmmmmm, understairs cupboard I think" he said.

So we approached the cupboard gingerly (otherwise known as the glory hole) and opened the door very gently. "Can yer see it" I whispered, he shook his head.

So we closed the door and crept away. We couldn't risk upsetting the very carefully stacked pile of cr*p in there. It might have fallen on us and trust me, I can't show me face at A & E for at least another six months or until I grow a beard, whichever is soonest.

I promise if I DO grow a beard that I'll post another picture. Yes, I'm joking. I had to shave for this one, and once a year is enough.

Anyhoo, as I said in the title. Hats off to you all. You're a brilliant if somewhat disturbed bunch and I luv Ya!!!!!!

I think it was Kev that started this idea and to be honest - it's time.

We all hide behind cute pictures and hide our real identity (or is that just me?) Anyhoo.

We bought a webcam today (no we did)! and there is a facility to take still pictures. So I took one. Oooh I said, Oooooooooooh Hubby repeated. We both squatted down behind the kitchen cabinets in shock for a moment. Then we peaked above to take another look (I had me tin hat on by then)

Air brushing? Hubby suggested. Plastic surgery I begged, Nah, he said, the swelling won't go down in time.

So when it happens - you're getting me. Warts and all. But if you mention the warts I shall cry..............

So Kev or anybody else who remembers. Which day do I have to show the real witch? Which is it?

Coz whenever it is you see the witch, it's not a glitch, I'm not a bitch (well sometimes!) you take your pitch (well it's pick but it doesn't rhyme). However. Let me know. I'll get me coat...................

Tis the season when all you parents of young children sit on chairs that are too small for you, and weep copiously at your off spring as they take their first leading role. So with that in mind I thought you might like the following. It's happened. Some of it I've seen and some of it I've only heard about, but you KNOW it's happened.

THE NATIVITY PLAY

The children were all gathered to perform the Christmas play
They’d been rehearsed, they were well versed in what they had to say
The parents were all gathered, with smiles and brimming eyes
About to find that Christmas will involve the odd surprise

Joseph and his virgin were first to join the fray
To Bethlehem, To Bethlehem, on their merry way
Mary said “I’m pregnant Jo, I really need a rest”
Joseph said “You’re not, that’s just a jumper up your vest”

The Shepherds they were watching as their flock all grazed by night
And suddenly above them appeared a blazing light
First Shepherd cried “We’re chosen! it’s the Son of God I bet”
But was convinced by number two it was a Jumbo Jet

Gabriel was sulking coz he didn’t like his part
He wanted to be Joseph, knew the words all off by heart
When he appeared to Mary his face was very glum
‘til he lifted up his long white robe and showed the world his bum

The Inn keeper was waiting, he was eager and excited
His parents sat there beaming they were clearly quite delighted
He opened up his door and with a very winning grin
Said “Rooms? Yes we’ve got dozens, take your coat off and come in”

The first wise man he told the crowd they’d travelled from afar
The second one assured them that he’d come in his Dad’s car
The third, he looked confused and with a voice that sounded tense
Shouted “I know about the Gold but what the hell is Frankincense?”

And so the play drew to a close in a manger all serene
With bated breath the audience took in the closing scene
Joseph looked around the room – a silence fell it’s true
He cried “Our Mary’s had a girl, we’re going to call her Sue”

Well! this evening No.1 son and girlfriend finally called around after an absence of 3 weeks. For a minute I thought he'd grown (he's 22) but then realised that he was just wearing two extra jumpers to combat the cold climate. Well that's a relief! No really his father is a fat tw@t So I was worried it might be in the Genes. Well NOT mine obviously. DOH I just lost 35lbs. Ooh rewind there girl. Maybe it IS me. Nah it's not. I'll have a word shall I?

So, we told him about OUR economic situation and the fact that we might escape to the great white north. He looked worried for a moment (who will cook him roast chicken and buy him new underpants!) but then grinned and said Ah go for it Mum.

Girlfriend had her head down and looked quite tearful. I was concerned (well I pretended to be! (Just kidding)) and asked what she was thinking. "You guys can come for cheap holidays" I said. "You might even like it there, but you don't have to stay forever. I know your family is here?" I waited. Poured another drink, lit a cigarette, why? who knows I don't smoke.

"Well" she said. "I have always wanted to live in another country and this might be my opportunity" I breathed out. Didn't realise I was breathing in until then. Coughed, scared the animals and then laughed. Phew!!

So that's ok then?

We have the green light from the little bit of family we have this side of the ocean.

So we'll see. We might not be able to sell the ancestoral pile (for that read 2 bed terrace). We might win the lottery Ha! well you never know.

I have great artistic plans to write a book called "A foreigner at 50" agents and publishers PLEASE contact me :-)

But rest assured dear friends, that I can still access, blog.co.uk from anywhere in the world. So you don't get rid of me that easily. Sorry and all that. NO! I'm not..................................

I bet you thought I'd died? No?

Our internet went down, Hubby asked if I was prepared to do the same and I pretended not to understand. Sigh! sometimes it's just easier?

I'm still here, still kicking (and screaming). Latest news includes. The mortgage company want to repossess us. Oh joy!! Why is it when you have NOTHING they demand payment TODAY with extra charges. Hubby's work has gone drier than the sahara, well whaddya expect for a sea captain in a dry county, as in dry I mean no water, but don't get me started.

Me, well? as talented as I am. No, I CAN stroke my stomach while rubbing my head. Not that it gets me very far. Apart from static hair and a sore stomach that is. Well I have been made redundant. From WHAT? I only pretended to work in the first place. But they are giving me 3g's to get the hell out so I shouldn't complain.

Meanwhile, if any of you know how to connect to the internet from a tent do contact me. And if you thought I was hiding coz I got fat again, NO CHANCE!! I live on adrenalin and Vodka. Not a good combination, but you have some interesting dreams. What WAS Chris Moyles doing broadcasting from my Dad's old wash house? Answers on a postcard. No prize but it might give me something to burn when all the creditors move in.

I can write you an article. I can wash you an article, I can call you a PROPER article. I'll dig your garden. But I do draw the line at washing your smalls. Other than that, any offer of employment is good. Deployment isn't quite the same, but thankyou the MOD for offering to shoot me out of a cannon. Sadly I'm not quite the right calibre for that kind of job. Oh jeez I'm sorry, but the old jokes are the best.

Do I sound manic. Aaaah, if only you could see me. And thank Gawd you can't.

Stick around I might STILL make news at 10 or newsnight or Crimewatch, although I doubt it. I'm all gob me.............................