Size 10 by teatime

No. 1 son visited tonight. Dawg growled for a moment, it's so long since we've seen him (son, not Dawg) but he recognised the smell, as did we all. Bless. He is temping in a factory at the moment (so that was two years university funding that was wasted then? Ah, don't get me started and I can't judge)

Any old hoo. He is working in a factory full of women. Bless him. He holds his own, although there are offers to hold it for him I believe. He likes it there, and is working with what he describes as two elderly women (for that read probably 10 years younger than me)

He was all aglow tonight because one reminded him of Nanny. And NO! we are not fortunate, or rich enough to have employed an outside body to clean up the unspeakable things he used to do on the shag pile on the landing. He refers to his paternal grandmother.

Nanny was a character to be sure. She was lovely, if a little bit dizzy to say the least. Bless her lovely heart, she eventually contracted alzhiemers at the frightening young age of 59. The worst thing is that we didn't notice for 18 months because she had always been as mad as a box of frogs.

Examples include. "Make sure you get that sauce to the right constituency" "Ooh love, put a cardigan on that baby he's cold" No, really he's fine said I. She asked at least another 5 members of the family if they agreed. In the end her husband stepped in and said. "For God's sake woman!! It's August and 80 degrees out there, get over yourself!" And I am SURE that she once offered me a lemon turd tart!!!

Bless her, we loved her anyway, and as I say didn't notice she was losing her marbles until she tried to feed the dog the sunday trifle and us Pedigree chum.

Son was hysterical tonight describing this ladies recent driving lesson. The instructor told her to approach the junction, creep out and see if anyone was coming. She approached the junction, got out of the car and crept up to the junction. Instructor chased after her and said NO! from the car you mad bat!! She told him she thought it was strange as there might have been something coming by the time she got back in the car!!

Another example is when she had been working the press at work all day with her left foot. Her leg and foot really ached, and it seemed worse the following morning, but she hobbled, literally hobbled into work. When she got there, she looked down only to find she had put on odd shoes. One had a heel and one didn't.

You have got to love eccentricity (or madness - your choice)

Me? Well I am grateful he is so entertained and so tolerant of those who are mentally challenged. It gives me hope that he might turn up a couple of times a year in my dotage. But who knows. At least I am comforted by the fact that Dawg can smell him two streets away............................

CHRISTMAS

I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
My credit cards cracked and my freezer is packed
'Cause I started my shopping in May

The mistletoe's hanging in bunches
'Cause the odd Christmas kiss isn't wrong
And the Vicar, I've found, quite likes calling round
And exploring my crowns with his tongue

The bin men have got very friendly
They’re after a present I fear
They won't feel so chuffed when I tell them - get stuffed
'Cause they don't speak the rest of the year

The family is coming for dinner
Last year it was quite a good laugh
We ate fairly late, dished the veg on the plate
Found the turkey was still in the bath

The Kids are all pink with excitement
'Cause Santa will come so they say
Their lists are extensive - extremely expensive
And they'll break it all by Boxing Day

But it's worth all that fuss Christmas morning
When their little eyes are all aglow
When we're all feeling merry, full of goodwill and sherry
And suffering from wind Ho Ho Ho

But please don't forget why we do it
Why each year we must go to this fuss
For that guy up above who brought peace and brought love
And who probably owns Toys R Us..........

My friend has just got a job as one of Santa's little helpers in his Grotto at our Town Centre.

My question is. Does this make her Elf Employed?

I'll get me coat....................

Hubby and I have a theory

Don't worry it's only ours and probably not shared by the rest of the population, but please feel free to share your thoughts.

Fireworks nowadays seem to start at Halloween and carry on unabated until New Years Day.

Don't get me wrong. I love fireworks. They are pretty and visable in the night sky, which is usually when I am walking dawg (he doesn't flinch, should have been a gun dog probably)

Just wondered if you have the same thing in your neighbourhood?????????

And the short answer to that is yes! I am. The long answer would probably take some complicated words that I am incapable of spelling at this hour

However. We have a routine here. Dawg has his supper and I take him out for a walk. Hubby takes him to work all day so it's 'My time" I know, how twee.

Any old how. Tonight the rain was beating on our conservatory roof (oh behave yourselves, it's tiny and our whole house is probably smaller than your hallway) and I said to hubs, "should I take the dog?. NO he said in this weather are you kidding" But. Dawg doesn't speak human. Oh he'll sniff your crotch at the drop of a hat, but it's not the same language. So he gave me his sad eyed look, and jumped about on his front paws looking out of the window, and I caved (no I did). so we went, into the driving rain and the howling wind. He with flashing collar (well, how else can you see a black dog on a dark night?) and me with torch and wellies. Yes! Just torch and wellies, well, there was no one about. Have you seen the weather?

I was soaked, he was soaked. But he had a big pooh (too much information probably) and we encountered Mr Toad, who lives near the pond at the back of our house. He is SO cute, if you aren't frightened by reptiles that is (I'm not) He was a lovely specimen, abit knobbly and sat in a big puddle, he blinked abit when I shone the torch on him, and jumped when Dawg sniffed him, but apart from that he was fine.

I thought about my two best friends who are terrified of frogs and toads, Then I stopped laughing and wondered what I would do if confronted by an enormous spider? Well Crap myself is the truth. I know, I know, completely irrational, but I can't cope. My failing and it harks back to when one (not very big) ran up my leg as a child.

I would like to get over it, but I can't do immersion therapy, where you have to handle a tarantula, eeeugh just saying it gives me the shivers?? Why? I don't know. I remember when my first marriage broke up and I was alone in the living room after No.1 son had gone to bed. Reading happily and this THING. I am not saying it was big, but it had the vacuum cleaner in one hand and was wearing my boots, scuttled through from the dining room. I (not usually being one to talk to myself) said OH SHIT really loudly and smacked it firmly with my book. I feel so guilty. I HATE killing anything and I wish I could get over it. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm

It must be late coz I started off walking the dawg in all weathers and ended up with my worst phobias.

I'll go now, just in case I'm tempted to tell you about the neighbour the vicar and the teapot. Now..... That would really be a scandal.

My mate went on a blind date today. (No she did).. She'd met him on the internet and they'd texted and emailed and they had loads in common and made each other laugh.

BUT, in the flesh. Somehow as good as it got, was as good as it gets. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there? They still laughed, but I got the impression that is wasn't what she expected. Ermmm

Sometimes people are more fun in writing than they are in person.

What are YOUR thougts? I just wondered, because it has happened to me too.

Not in the blind date sense (I'm lying) but in the friend sense too.

Sometimes the person who seems the most fun is like a deflated balloon in person.

I hope I'm not? Me, Me, Me. As usual but you never know??????????

On a November night when it's dark and it's cold
And the wind whistles right down your dress
Where would you rather be given the choice?
No don't tell me - no just let me guess

Curled up by the fire with a nice glass of wine
Watching telly while you have a meal
And if somebody said to you just come outside
You’d reply “ In this weather? Get real!”

But tonight you'll be there munching on a Hot Dog
Or with both hands clutched round a hot cup
'Cause some bloke called Guy Fawkes in 1605
Didn’t blow Parliament up

Now if he'd got it right and he'd done a good job
That would be fair enough I suppose
But he didn't I fear and still we stand here
While an icicle drips off our nose

We stand just as close to the fire as we can
And we breathe so much smoke that we're wheezing
Our faces are mottled and smutty with ash
While our feet remain just above freezing

And we gaze at the sky while the fireworks cascade
Exclaiming - "Oh look it's so pretty"
Then a rocket goes stray and a greenhouse explodes
That belongs to next door - mores the pity

So to all of you revelers on bonfire night
Who’ll be waving your sparklers with glee
If you see an old banger that's crept back in doors
To top up on brandy - that's me

Now the fire is burning as bright as can be
And the hedge has caught light I'm afraid
So I'll put on some lipstick and smooth down my frock
And look good for the Fire Brigade

Oh dear. I expect I?ll have to stand in the naughty corner next week at Fat Fighters. I didn?t go last night. Well, I got to target last week, which means that if I miss a class I don?t have to pay. I couldn?t be arsed to tell you the truth.

It was cold and wet and horrible outside and I had loads of lighters to paint for my Craft Fair on Saturday, so I did that instead. SO THERE!

I clearly wasn?t missed. There was no text messages today from consultant enquiring whether I had fallen into a deep chocolate éclair and needed assistance (eating it , if I know her). She has always texted in the past if I was AWOL, but then, thinking about it, my absence used to affect her revenue, and now it doesn?t, so it?s more likely she doesn?t give a stuff. Ha! As if I care.

I shall go and get weighed next week. I am afraid if I don?t I shall slip back into bad habits, and get waylaid by a bag of chips, or a bun or two.

I fully intend to stay on the straight and narrow (don?t we all) and continue to wear my size 10 jeans. So attendance at least once a fortnight will help with that (I hope). See? I told you this was the hard part. Losing it is one thing, but keeping it off is another battle all on it?s own. Being apathetic won?t help either. For that read A Pathetic truant. Ooh I?m SUCH a naughty girl???????????

Hubby and I had a party last night. Just the two of us (and the Dawg). We dug out all our favourite CD's and put them on (too loudly) and sang and danced and generally had a right old time of it.

We also drank Wayyyyyyyyyyy too much. We're paying for it today. The living room looks like it threw up, there are CD's and cases everywhere, and empty bottles and glasses.

We are shuffling around clutching our heads and tutting at each other. We didn't go to bed until after 2 and didn't get out of it again until noon.

I think we're regressing, if such a thing is possible. But how can you regress when you never grew up in the first place? It beats me

Today Hubby and I went shopping in the local upmarket food emporium (ok, it was Morrisons, but if Richard Hammond can shop there, then so can I, and PS he can bump me with his trolley any time, but I digress

We were treating ourselves to a steak and kidney casserole for dinner (we know how to live us two). Why not pie? Well neither of us is fussed by pastry to be honest, and no dumplings either although I would love dumplings, I want to wear my size 10 jeans for at least another week.

We always buy a pack of steak and kidney and then some extra kidney coz we like lots (aren't we offal).

So I spot a 2 lovely big juicy kidneys, take them off the shelf and toss them gaily in the trolley. Hubby, shakes his head and takes them out again. WHAT? OH? it wasn't our trolley, it belonged to an old dear. She didn't see so we didn't need to explain.

BUT a "do gooder", (furry hat and face like a bulldog chewing a wasp), did.

The look she gave Hubby!! You would have thought he'd mooned the old dear instead of rescuing two random kidneys from her trolley!!

Ah, we laughed. We haven't had that much fun since Hubby got amorous one evening and decided to bend me over the fridge.

Which is why we never shop in Tesco's anymore...................