I have a friend. (just the one) mustn't be greedy now. She makes greeting cards (very stylish, very nice and very in demand). She is doing a craft show at the end of November and wanted someone to go along with her. So she asked me (?)

What? I said? Why do I need to go to a craft fair. You're very creative she said. Yes, I said. Financially (I hide behind the sofa when there are creditors at the door). Verbally (I lie a lot) and sexually (don't ask).

There MUST be something you can do? she demanded. Err. Yeah. I keep offering to write poems for your greetings cards? Well, she said they're NOT that kind of cards. I was hurt (no I was)

I mean, come on? What's wrong with this.

A Poem to the Ex

Now that it's over I wish you the best
Hope the sun always shines on your head
I hope life isn't stressful, I hope you're successful

Just kidding - I hope you drop dead.

It's the last word in romanticism if you ask me (but no one ever does!)

She wasn't having any of it. Damn her!

There must be something you can do she said.

I'll do 10 minutes of stand up i said.

No! she said. It won't go down well at a craft fair. No, she's right, it didn't go down well in a working men's club full of drunks either, else I'd still be doing it.

So, I agreed to go along and stand freezing my knickers off at this event at the end of November Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Then today I had an epiphany? No, you must have one. Mind you, you need the right equipment and the right batteries. But I digress.

So i took myself off luxury shopping (Poundland) and I bought 20 disposable lighters, a few glittery bits a bit of nail varnish, and Voila!!

Fancy lighters!!! She won't be impressed. Dammit.

But I have a plan, tomorrow I shall go to the sex shop. Buy a blow up sheep, a few glittery bits and a bit of nail varnish.

This do is next to a real ale pub. I'll clean up.................

Ewww? thinking about it, I might have to! Pass the mop...............