Well it’s that time of the week again. My regular appointment with the scales and the “fat fighters” consultant. Despite losing 3.5lbs last week, this week, I managed to gain 1.5lbs back. So a net loss of 2lbs then. Consultant wasn’t happy (when is she). I tried to explain that since I had lost 31lbs over the last 26 weeks that I wasn’t too worried.

Humph, she snorted (yes snorted), that’s not the attitude is it? You had a gain this week and that means that you did something WRONG. Yeah, yeah, whatever I shrugged. I don’t like bullies. She glared down at my record card, and didn’t move for ages. That is when I realised that she had actually mislaid an M & M down her cleavage and was trying to locate it. Bloke who takes the money came running over to give her a hand (dirty git). In he dived, we nearly lost him. All the women had to form a human chain to stop him disappearing for ever. That woman has a bosom of biblical proportions, honestly, he parted it like the red sea, and along with the M & M found 5 loaves and 3 fishes, a kebab, and a dog eared copy of the current argos catalogue.

I don’t know whether she is just clumsy when she eats (and reads) or whether this is her shoplifting strategy. Crisis over the meeting started, and Consultant asked around the room whether anyone had any specific problems. One girl (lets call her Fatima) has been coming to group for the last 18 months and has lost and gained the same five pounds in that time. The rest of us are a bit fed up of her to be honest. She does nothing but whine and moan that she never loses any weight, but then regales us with tales of her weekly escapades with the girls that include 42 flaming sambuca’s and a fish supper. She regularly text’s consultant to ask how many calories there are in a mars bar/chocolate gateaux/gallon of ice cream. AFTER she has eaten it. You get the picture. Not really a committed slimmer.

Anyhow my friend Sharon had PMT, I could tell, I saw the handle of the knife sticking out of her handbag. She generally nudges me and raises her eyebrows when this girl starts. But last night she had, had ENOUGH.

Oy, Princess of Pork she said (no she did). If you kept your mouth shut, you might lose some weight for a change. Instead of opening it to whine or shovel down chocolate and booze, and if you took your lardy arse to the gym instead of the chip shop, and spent more time on the dance floor instead of at the bar, you might be slimmer.

There was a deadly silence, although to be fair, Sharon did get the thumbs up from most of the other members. We didn’t stay for the raffle, it was a shrivelled up lettuce and the most nutritious thing about it was the large slug in the centre.

I led Sharon out gently, and bought her a fish supper and a Sambuca. Well if you can’t beat em, join, em.