Size 10 by teatime

I liked the idea of your questionnaire so I thought I would have a go.

1. Who was the last person to call you?
Hubby - wanted to know what I wanted for tea

2. Where was your default picture taken?
I only wish I understood the question

3. What's your middle name?
Cucumber, my brother is Radish and my Sister is Lettuce, my parents were enjoying their salad days.

4. Your current relationship status?
Married - very happily thanks

5. Does your crush like you back?
No - don't think so. I love my lemon crush, but it sits there in the bottle and just is.

6. What is your current mood?
I'll let you know when the drugs kick in.

7. What are you doing this weekend?
Trimming my bush - oh stop it. Next doors hedge is blocking my front door, I shall be sending Hubby out with shears as soon as he has sobered up.

8. What color shirt are you wearing?
What color shirt do YOU think I'm wearing, and guess what I can do with a bicycle pump and a jar of mayonnaise?? Only reply if you have a major credit card.

9. Ever been in love?
Truly, madly, deeply.

10. If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I wish I had listened at school. I knew the cleaners better than I knew the teachers from all the time I spent stood in the corridor. You're not funny the teacher would say. The rest of the class think I am sir. OUT!

11. Have a crazy side?
It's only my occasional eloquence that saves me from being sectioned. WOW I should have that tattooed somewhere. Answers on a postcard.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Only every time I drive

13. Something you do a lot?
Drink just like Notbob and I seem to be on her alot too.

14. Angry at anyone?
Oh what's the point. It lowers your positive energy. You might as well eat rat poison

15. Who can you tell anything to?
Hubby. Unless I've spent too much again.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Joan Collins - so help me

17. When was the last time you cried?
This evening watching the biggest loser, I am such a sop.

18. Who would you do anything for?
Hubby, Son and probably the dog.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
The power of prediction. I'd be a millionaire.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Sense of humour

21. What do you usually order from starbucks?
A big mac and fries. It drives them nuts.

22. What's your biggest secret?
That would be telling?

23. Favorite colour?
Blue.

24. Favorite TV show?
I like a bit of Corrie.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
The old fashioned looney tunes still do it for me.

26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Vodka and DIET coke. The diet coke negates the calories in the Vodka.

27. Do you speak any other language?
I can get by in French, and swear in Italian. I have about 3 words of Hungarian too!

28. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Living in a beautiful house by the sea. But that's probably the drink

29. Describe your life in one word, what would it be?
Eventful

30. Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Reminds me of the joke of the little old lady who goes to the Doctors.
Doctor: Hello love, have you ever been bed ridden. Little Old Lady: Bedridden? I've been table ended.

31. Ever kissed on the beach?
I've had sand in places I didn't know I had places.

32. What are you thinking about right now?
Typing this, is the dryer empty, is the washer full, is the cat just coughing or is it a fur ball.....................

33. What should you be doing?
Finding a cure for cancer probably, shouldn't we all?

34. What was the last film you saw?
Can't remember, can't sit still long enough.

35. What are you listening to?
The voices in my head

36. Do you like working in the garden?
A bit of pruning is good for the soul

37. Are you on facebook or myspace?
No, can't be arsed.

38. Do you act differently around the person you like?
It's the only place I can really be myself

39.What is your natural hair color?
Can't remember, I have coloured it for too many years. I used to be blonde but blondes don't have more fun, so now I'm not.

40. Who was the last person you kissed?
Hubby as always.

I looked at my legs this morning, well what I could see off them through the luxuriant sprouting of hair and decided some deforestation was in order. You really can't put fake tan on hairy legs, well you can if you want to look like a gorilla, but it's not quite the image I was after.

I had run out of the pretty pink lady razors, so I used Hubbys. Him "what have I told you about using my razor?" Me "To not to". Well he wasn't here and he won't know so I used it anyway.

Whoops! It looked like nightmare on elm street in our bathroom. I rang up the blood bank and said eh, I've got 2 pints of Aneg here if you're interested, but apparently they don't take it with belly button and fluff and toe nails clippings.

I tried the toiled paper trick, I stuck little spots of paper all over my legs. It made an interesting patten and if you had joined to dots it would have spelt. "clumsy cow".

So as I was laying there, bleeding and wishing I was German. I wrote this little ode on the bathroom tiles, in blood.

UNWANTED HAIR

When we're born our small bodies are perfect
Whether our skins dark or fair
It’s only much later we get in a state
When our follicles start growing hair

On our heads - well we probably have some
And over that we have some control
We can cut it or wave it - perm it or shave it
Without too much fuss on the whole

But hair is a fast growing substance
Be it blonde be it black grey or red
Be it natural or styled but what drives me wild
Is it doesn't just grown on your head

When you're thirteen you're desperate to have some
To show you got puberty right
So you check every hour in the bath in the shower
And in bed with a torch late at night

By your twenties it's started to bore you
Shaving your legs takes such time
You cut and you hack but the stuff still grows back
And the worse is the - bikini line

It grows back like a beard if you shave it
So you make an appointment for waxing
If you've never before had your skin peeled 'til raw
You might find this experience taxing

You are in the hands of a sadist
As you lie on your back on the bed
She’s rough and she's careless the result will be hairless
And swollen and sore and bright red

Out you limp looking like a plucked chicken
Glancing under your arms as you're dressing
Suppressing a scream you decide to buy cream
'Cause the waxing things just too depressing

Later in life it's no better
Just when you're getting a grip
When you're looking your best it sprouts from your chest
Down your nostrils and it coats your top lip

Well you've tried everything on the market
But enough is enough so it's said
So to save all the mess you start to cross dress
Buy a Trilby and you call yourself Fred.....

Copyright Liz Czap 2008

Well my trip to the Charity shops yesterday taught me that other peoples rubbish isn’t what it used to be. People don’t seem to give away the good stuff anymore, or if they do they don’t give it away in my size. The two items that caught my interest were in sizes 8 and 10. Since I am unlikely to attain either of those elusive sizes at least until I am decomposing, I was stuffed to say the least.

I remember years ago when I was even poorer than I am now (is that possible?) I used to grab some real doozies at the Charity Shop. I well remember the Beaver Lamb Coat I picked up for a fiver. Now before the animal rights people come around and throw paint over my head, let me explain.

I was really really poor, I needed a coat. It was a very warm coat. I worked with a girl who was a vegan at the time, (you could tell by her ears) and I thought she was going to expire with indignation. Is that an Animal? she screeched, steam pouring from her pointed lugholes. Calm down love I said backing away against the wall of the office with a chair in one hand and a bin in the other. I took it to the vet, there was nothing they could do, they said if I had gone 20 years earlier they might have had a chance. Here, take it to the kitchen and give it a nice saucer of milk. There’s a good girl. Years later she let me adopt one of her cats. But she always examined my hats and scarves very carefully, for purring (and fleas).

Another thing about shopping in posh town charity shops is that they are hard to recognise. I kid you not, the only difference between Cancer Research and the Edinburgh Woollen Mill in this place was the price.

As for Help the Aged, I think their whole take on the thing is just to employ them. Customers kept having to wake up the poor old thing on the till to pay. Is this Dior? I said holding up a gorgeous shift dress. No I think it’s quite cheap love she said and settled her head back onto her plate of biscuits. Oh never mind.

The Salvation army was interesting, I was no sooner through the door than a tambourine was thrust in my hand and I was half way through a chorus of onward christian soldiers before I realised the Charity shop was next door. They asked me if I would like to join, and I was tempted. I’ve always liked men in uniform. I don’t think that I could cope with all the singing though, and they didn’t have a gap in the band for a spoon player.

So I sloped off home despondent and empty handed, . It doesn’t help that I am a funny shape. Some women are pear shaped, and some are apple shaped, I am more of a potato myself (spud for short) I haven’t got a waist, more of a level crossing, test tube rather than hour glass, and I’ve got no bum. Well I did have one but I divorced him. Talking of whom. I bumped into him yesterday, he has got so FAT! I haven’t seen him for about a year, and holy crap he’s huge. I really wanted to walk around him (it would have taken a while) and exclaim at his blubber. Mind you, it cheered me up no end. I came home and hugged present Hubby, who for all his foibles is a sweetie.

You’re gorgeous I said hugging him. Oh my God he said looking worried, what have you bought?

Nothing I said smiling sweetly. Well apart from the T Shirt and cropped combat trousers I got from George at Asda on the way home, but I’m ageing them in the wardrobe for a few weeks before I bring them out. What these old things I shall say with surprise. I’ve had them ages.

The upside of not finding anything in the charity shops was of course that now I shall not have the embarassment of standing in the queue in Sainsburys while some old buffer remarks loudly. "Marjorie, didn't that used to be YOUR wetsuit".................