Question. How long does it take for a dog to take a dump during a walk in a heavy rainstorm?

Answer. 45 very long, very damp minutes. Ye Gods. Being responsible dog owners, we decided yesterday that although the weather was particularly sh1t that it was not excuse not to walk the dawg. So I went into the local sports and store and bought another Golf umbrella so we would have one each. Saves on the domestics, “over here a bit,” “ ooh gerroff I’m getting wet.” “ Ouch you nearly had my eye out woman“. You know the sort of thing.

Charming youth behind the counter served me with the umbrella. Him “ d’yer wan it in a bag?” Me. “No thanks, just take the tags off I’ll use it now” Him “Huh?” Me “It’s raining outside and that’s why I bought it” Him. “Oh yeah? good idea” Me. “Yep, I’m a genuis”. Bless him, at least he tried, I expect I’ll see him on University Challenge shortly.

So Hubby and I set off with dawg. And he circled and he sniffed and he sniffed and he circled, and the dog did the same but with fewer results. Now when I take dawg out for a quick squirt before bedtime, it’s easy. I just make a sssssssssssssss sound and hey presto it’s over in seconds. I just haven’t worked out the code word for do a dump already? Any suggestions will be welcome. I made a lot of farting noises and pretended to squat, and although this attracted a large crowd of bystanders it didn’t help the dog at all.

Eventually, just when I was thinking of popping into the nearest garden centre to purchase some hose and carry out a Canine high colonic, he ventured into the bushes, assumed the position and we were once again able to get on with our lives.

The next stop was the supermarket where I purchased low calorie oatmeal. I have been watching the Biggest Loser and as far as I can see the only thing they do that I don’t is have oatmeal for breakfast, Oh and exercise 6 hours a day. So I thought I would give the oatmeal a try. How do those people lost 15lbs in a week? I would at least need to chop one of my legs off to achieve the same results, and that really wouldn’t help with the jogging. I fancy the male trainer on that programme too (the US version) Bob Harper, he’s a sexy little minx. I would do a few push ups with him given the chance. (But I digress)

On the way out I stopped by the magazine rack and had a flick through the weight loss magazines, hoping to get some advice. Well hoping to get to read them without paying to be honest. I saw on the front of Ta ra a bit magazine or whatever it’s called that Brad and Angelina were showing off their new twins, Vivienne and Knox to the world. Now honestly, some people have no sense of humour. With a surname like Pitt they should have at least called them Cole & Ses, teach them a thing or two about life that would.

Hope you all had a good weekend. I notice next doors hedge is infringing my front path again, so I’m off to trim my bush. Keep smiling……………………………….................