I looked at my legs this morning, well what I could see off them through the luxuriant sprouting of hair and decided some deforestation was in order. You really can't put fake tan on hairy legs, well you can if you want to look like a gorilla, but it's not quite the image I was after.

I had run out of the pretty pink lady razors, so I used Hubbys. Him "what have I told you about using my razor?" Me "To not to". Well he wasn't here and he won't know so I used it anyway.

Whoops! It looked like nightmare on elm street in our bathroom. I rang up the blood bank and said eh, I've got 2 pints of Aneg here if you're interested, but apparently they don't take it with belly button and fluff and toe nails clippings.

I tried the toiled paper trick, I stuck little spots of paper all over my legs. It made an interesting patten and if you had joined to dots it would have spelt. "clumsy cow".

So as I was laying there, bleeding and wishing I was German. I wrote this little ode on the bathroom tiles, in blood.

UNWANTED HAIR

When we're born our small bodies are perfect
Whether our skins dark or fair
It’s only much later we get in a state
When our follicles start growing hair

On our heads - well we probably have some
And over that we have some control
We can cut it or wave it - perm it or shave it
Without too much fuss on the whole

But hair is a fast growing substance
Be it blonde be it black grey or red
Be it natural or styled but what drives me wild
Is it doesn't just grown on your head

When you're thirteen you're desperate to have some
To show you got puberty right
So you check every hour in the bath in the shower
And in bed with a torch late at night

By your twenties it's started to bore you
Shaving your legs takes such time
You cut and you hack but the stuff still grows back
And the worse is the - bikini line

It grows back like a beard if you shave it
So you make an appointment for waxing
If you've never before had your skin peeled 'til raw
You might find this experience taxing

You are in the hands of a sadist
As you lie on your back on the bed
She’s rough and she's careless the result will be hairless
And swollen and sore and bright red

Out you limp looking like a plucked chicken
Glancing under your arms as you're dressing
Suppressing a scream you decide to buy cream
'Cause the waxing things just too depressing

Later in life it's no better
Just when you're getting a grip
When you're looking your best it sprouts from your chest
Down your nostrils and it coats your top lip

Well you've tried everything on the market
But enough is enough so it's said
So to save all the mess you start to cross dress
Buy a Trilby and you call yourself Fred.....

Copyright Liz Czap 2008